And on that note... I have to tell you all that I am very touched and moved at how many of you are getting in touch with me to find out how I am doing when it comes to recovering from my burnout/wallcrash. I was intending to give you an update before Xmas, but as November turned into December something happened that demanded my full mental attention, and took a lot out of me - so I've just not been on here for weeks now... Thank you for your patience and support.
During these months that I'm spending working on becoming well again, I've kinda laid out a plan for what areas in "my head" that needs mine and my therapist's attention, and in what order they should be addressed. In my life, many things have happened that have shaped me into becoming who I am today, both for the good and the... less fortunate... but I intend to deal with it all so that all the puzzle pieces fall into the right places eventually. And most of you know that when you're working on a jigsaw-puzzle; you need a plan: Start with the frame - move on to the pieces with recognizable patterns and details on it, and then deal with the mono-toned, difficult pieces towards the end. That's the plan for solving the puzzle in my head as well.
I think I've laid out most of the frame already. And now I'm working on the pieces with patterns on them. However, a few weeks ago, something happened that forced me to deal with some of the mono-toned pieces a long time before intended. I found myself in a whirlwind of a situation where I quickly had to teach myself skills of filtrating information, firmly setting boundaries, keeping my head above the freezing arctic water; and all the while venturing mentally back to past events that I had every intention of leaving buried for- (probably) ever. I must admit, it was scary to no longer be in control of my own tempo and progress. It was also scary to realize that however much in need of a break I was - and however much I saw that my mental capacity got reduced to near non-functioning (because my mind was so busy dealing with outside forces), I could not do anything other than to keep fighting for my own sanity and survival.
 |
| Choose your own caption: 1. "So don't take my photograph. Cause I don't wanna know how it looks to feel like this..." - Newton Faulkner 2. "Whatever happened to truth - lost without a trace...?" - Gary Go 3. "Sorry I can't answer your call. I can't speak. I can't breathe at all" - June Egerton |
I know that a lot of the people who saw me, and were around me those days, were terribly worried. They have told me so both then and later. And to be honest I was worried as well. There were days where I several times an hour was suddenly hit with faintness-spells and almost fell over injuring myself. When this happened I just had to grab hold of anything I could get my hands on and breathe for a few minutes until the world stopped spinning. And it was during those days - suddenly and brutally - that I was forced to make a kind of progress and find skills within that I didn't know I had in me. I had to learn how to say no. To control how accessible I was to be and to be my own bodyguard and protector. I had to make some difficult choices and objectively weigh pro's and con's to what was right for my life and mental health. And all of it had to happen overnight. Not when I was ready for it. It was weird to go through it. It was almost as if I stepped outside of myself and became my own advisor, caretaker and coach. I discovered to my surprise that I am tougher and more powerful than I had imagined. And that I know myself better than I had dared to believe. I had to draw on forgotten knowledge and buried times to pull through - and I did the cleverest thing ever: surround myself with reminders of how fantastic my life has become.
I have struggled greatly with nightmares after this all happened. Dreams where me or my loved ones are under attack from evil people, and I'm the only one who can protect everyone around me... It's improved now. Now they're merely unpleasant dreams. But apart from the nightmares, this forced progress has been a a turbo thrust to my recovery. I'm baffled, but I'm standing taller than ever!
So all in all, the unforeseen happened. I came out of this experience stronger and more prepared to tackle my struggles than ever. I have a newfound confidence in my own abilities to captain my life, something that I am convinced will help me when I get back in my therapists room after the Xmas holidays.
So here I sit with a smile on my face :) Can we call that 1-0 to me over my adversaries?
